Rose-Owls and Pumpkin Girls

...but the bad news is they're dead.

We all have those movies that we saw as kids and were horribly scarred-slash-influenced by. They aren't always good movies. In fact, I'd say a lot of them are bad movies, which we love because hey, when you're a kid, men in rubber suits chasing girls in bikinis after inexplicable beachfront musical numbers are pure gold. These are the movies that make us the people we become as adults. For me, these movies were split just about fifty-fifty between "really bad horror movies" and "candy-colored cartoon wonderlands." This explains a great many things, if you stop and think about it for a moment. Or don't. It might be better for you.

One of my most formative films was a creepy little horror-comedy called The Night of the Creeps [Amazon]. It, along with The Monster Squad, Night of the Comet, and Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, informed me on a very deep and meaningful level. And it has been totally unavailable for years now, due to rights issues and the fact that, let's face it, they needed to wait for those of us who remembered loving this movie were old enough to have disposable income.

Guess what came out on DVD today?

There is so much love.

One of the few black spots on an otherwise shining weekend involved...a shirt. A shirt, and an attitude that went with the shirt in question.

See, there was a lot of stupid pre-con surrounding the fact that OH NOES TEH TWILIGHT FANS ARE INVADING!!!! Never mind that Twilight, whether you like it or not, is speculative fiction, full of My Little Vampires, and has spawned a massively successful movie series. Never mind that this same complaint came up about the Harry Potter people, the urban fantasy people, and lots of other "not our kind" groups, before they became "our kind." TEH TWILIGHT FANS ARE INVADING!!!! IT IS TEH END OF DAYZ!!!! Worse yet, they're girls! Icky icky girls! The mainstream press—which still views the female geek as a charmingly endangered species, one which is potentially a myth—grabbed this and ran with it; if you go digging, you can find some...charming...articles about "the female invasion of Comic-Con" and "girls meeting geeks."

I first "invaded" Comic-Con thirteen years ago. Pretty sure I was a girl at the time. My boyfriend at the time definitely thought so, and as he had more opportunity to perform practical examinations than anybody from the mainstream press, I'm going to place bets that he was right. But anyway.

The Twilight girls, understandably, took offense, since they were being presented as fluff-brained bimbos who wouldn't know a comic book if it bit them on the booty. The general populace of Comic-Con wasn't offended, per se, although some offense started brewing when the Twilight fans started speaking up, since the cycle o' slag went media -> them -> us. But there was still the chance that everybody would be able to just get along. I know that I'm a lot more focused on getting where I'm going, at-con, than I am at playing Sharks vs. Jets in the middle of the Exhibit Hall.

But then came...the shirts.

Shirts on Twilight girls all over the convention. Shirts which read, in large, easy-to-read lettering, "Yes I am a real woman / Yes I am at Comic-Con / Yes I love Twilight." As a "real woman" who's been attending Comic-Con since before she could legally drink, these shirts awakened in my breast the deep and abiding desire to force-feed them to the people wearing them. I did not do so. Be proud of me. Be especially proud of me since large groups of the shirt-wearers—not all of them, by any means; I'm sure there were Twilight fans who were having a fantastic time without trying to piss in anybody's Cheerios—chose to stand around near the Exhibit Hall cafes and out by the Heroes carnival, making snotty comments about the costumes, figures, and overall appearance of the non-Twilight girls who went walking by.

Not cool.

I am a girl who likes the X-Men. I am a girl who likes horror movies. I am a girl whose favorite comics currently in print are Hack/Slash, The Boys, and Creepy. I am a girl who has spent a long damn time fighting for respect in her chosen geeky social circles, because we are still the minority in a lot of places, and it's difficult to convince your average horror geek that the female IQ is not calculated by taking the national average and subtracting her bra size. Twilight aside, there aren't enough of us to start playing this sort of game. Yes! You in the shirt, you're a real woman! And so am I! And so is every other girl at this convention! I did not give up my right to femininity just by deciding that I like to keep my My Little Ponies and my blood-drinking monsters separate, nor did you get a double-dose by combining the two. Women have been fighting for respect in comic and media fandom for a long time. Undermining that fight, even if you're doing it because you were provoked, just undermines us all.

No one has to like what I like. I try not to judge the likes and dislikes of others, and even when I can't avoid it, I try not to wander around in T-shirts that say things like "Every time editorial brings back Jean Grey, Magneto kills a kitten" or "Women Opposing More Bad Adapted Terror: JUST SAY NO TO STEPHEN KING MOVIES." All this could have been avoided if people hadn't been dicks to the Twilight fans in the first place...but I really do wish the Twilight fans hadn't felt compelled to be dicks to the rest of us in return.

Over the past week, my house has developed two new bathroom-based rules. First off, even if you just dropped a tissue into the water, you need to flush. I don't care if it wastes water. If you're that worried about wasting water, throw your tissues in the trash, not the toilet. Second off, close the lid. Not the seat; the lid. Why?

Because Alice, like so many Maine Coons, likes to play with water. And the toilet? Is full of water. Once your nasty tissue has been in my toilet, I don't particularly want the cat to fish it out and bring it to me, thanks.

Last night, when I got home from work, I performed the standard checks—are both cats present? Are both cats breathing? Have they managed to break anything large and/or visible? After confirming yes, yes, and no, I went about my business. At some point during the "business" part of the program, Alice wandered off to do kitten things. This didn't concern me much; kittens are mysterious creatures, and spend a lot of time off doing kitten things, which usually end with a loud crash and a startled-looking puffball racing back into the bedroom. No big deal.

After I'd finished unpacking my bags, scanning some art cards, and eating dinner, I proceeded to the bathroom. The toilet lid was down. Repeat: the toilet lid was down, indicating safety. I began to sit.

The toilet said, inquisitively, "Mrph?"

Having seen approximately eight hundred hours-worth of horror cinema in my lifetime, I was once more fully dressed in less than five seconds. Furthermore, I was standing in the bathtub, that being the furthest I could reasonably get from the toilet without having the presence of mind to flee the bathroom entirely. I looked into the toilet bowl. Alice, balled calmly in the bottom of it, looked back. Meet my kitten, the TOILET SHARK.

I got her to leave the toilet by putting a few inches of water in the tub and encouraging her to play with that instead. She happily submerged several of her feather toys and went off to coax Lilly into the bath. Lilly, being, I don't know, an actual cat, was having none of it. (Alice got her comeuppance later, when her aquatic adventures required her to have a good brushing. Somehow, I doubt this is going to make her learn.) At least I know why she's damp all the damn time...

You know, the horror movies of the 1980s taught me to check toilets before I sat down, because they might contain monsters. It took me years to break this habit, thinking it was a foolish fear. Shows what I know. In conclusion, when you come over to my place...

...look down before you pee. You might be sorry if you don't.

So when I originally approached the readership of this journal and said 'lo, what should I include in my site FAQ section?', roughly half the people who responded said 'horror movie survival.' So yes, there's an actual section on getting out of a horror movie with your skin and sanity reasonably intact.

Feel proud of yourselves.

So now that the horror FAQ is underway, I ask you...what all should be included? What burning questions do you have about the things out there that want to make you die -- and maybe more important, what questions do you have about staying alive? Remember, only you can defeat the crawling terror from beyond the stars. Unless, y'know, it eats you first.

I've spent the past year idly working on a calendar of 'Pretty Little Dead Ghouls' -- twelve months, twelve pin-ups, twelve implications of horrific violence either just past or just around the corner. All accompanied with chipper quatrains. Because I am just marginally odd that way.

This post contains twelve fairly good-sized images, each of which links to an even larger image. If your connection doesn't deal well with such things, here's a link to the gallery:

http://pics.livejournal.com/seanan_mcguire/gallery/0000qt1b

Let's take a peek, shall we?

( Because nothing says the new year like a lovely calendar, here's a lovely calendar for you to enjoy. And be a little bit afraid of. )

First, pick your genre. What, you thought you already had? Oh, no. There are four major types of horror movie:

1. The Psycho. A killer hunts and slaughters people -- usually attractive teens, although some killers have been known to branch out along other specialized lines. Usually difficult or impossible to kill, sometimes ironic in method of death, prone to sequels.
2. The Creature. This genre divides into 'big' and 'lots': either your creature is ginormous for some reason, or there's a swarm. Sometimes, the over-ambitious combine the two, and have a swarm of giant whatever-it-is trying to eat mankind. This is generally a winning approach.
3. The Supernatural. Ghosts, witches, warlocks, a killer Santa Claus taking back all the toys he's distributed over the generations, it all gets filed under the generic catch-all of 'supernatural'. Sometimes, your psycho or your creature is supernatural, too.
4. The Outsider. Aliens and extra-dimensional entities go here. Sometimes, your psycho or your creature is from outside, in addition to being, y'know, bad for your health. Mostly, though, aliens get their own designation.

Now, pick your setting. Your options are:

1. Rural. Small towns are great for zombie invasions, crash landings of carnivorous alien lifeforms, and anything involving a meteorite.
2. Urban. The big city is good if your zombies are viral, or if you want a serial killer. No cornfields, though, which kinda sucks.
3. Wilderness. If it makes you happy to have crazed killers chasing co-eds through the woods, this is the place for you.
4. Transit vehicle of some sort. Big boats, RVs, trains, spaceships, and orbiting space stations, those get filed here.

Every category contains a multitude of options, from 'houseboat' to 'swamp', but these are the basics. And, of course, you're going to need a hero:

1. Teenager. Cheerleader, jock, geek, hacker, whatever.
2. Authority figure. Local sheriff, local cop, President of the United States. However, don't cross into...
3. Military dude. This covers male and female members of all branches of the military.
4. That guy from 'Clerks'. There's a good chance your hero wasn't even supposed to be here today.

( Let's make a horror movie! )

I watch a great many horror movies -- enough that my DVD shelf looks somewhat like an extension of the mind of Wes Craven -- and this has left me with a firm list of do's and don'ts on the topic of 'getting out alive.' I will share some of these handy-dandy tips now.

***

10. Genetically enhanced snakes can get everywhere. Seriously, an underground bunker guaranteed to protect the resident scientists from nuclear winter and biological attack, not going to do a damn thing about the genetically enhanced snakes. As snakes can apparently be engineered to do everything from 'grow to the size of a subway train' to 'give you Ebola with a single bite,' this is bad. Wear sturdy shoes, do not walk in tall grass or let yourself be convinced to enter any body of water that isn't completely transparent. Avoid outhouses, bubble baths, camping, and the old coal mine that was abandoned due to thermal venting.

( 9. Most monsters can be, if not killed by firearms, at least slowed down or convinced to go and eat somebody else... )

Let's have fun with horror movie trivia, perverted to my own demented sense of 'trivia.' Also, because I am rarely a timely blondeheadgirl, I'm not going to wait for Halloween.

The game:

Hollywood is a busy place, especially when it comes to producing horror movies. Can you figure out the movie from the synopses provided below by bored and underpaid copy writers who never actually saw the film?

Example: Following a chance encounter, a spoiled daughter of nobility chooses to abandon the traditions of her native land in order to pursue a relationship with a member of another ethnic group, although doing so may lead to her early demise.

Answer: The Little Mermaid.

Ready? Twenty questions, no asking -- rock yourselves hard! Answers are not screened.

( We cut because otherwise, you're drowning in horror movies. Literally drowning. Very bad. )

A is for...AMMO. Make sure you've got plenty, or you'll have plenty of problems.
B is for...BLAST RADIUS. Know it, love it, try not to stand inside it.
C is for...CHAINSAW. Screw diamonds. This is a girl's best friend.
D is for...DISTRACTION. Let the chirpy little twirp who keeps screaming provide one, and run.
E is for...ESCAPE. Better hope you can make one.
F is for...FIRE. Most of the things that want you dead dislike it.
G is for...GRENADE. Come to momma, little pineapple of death.
H is for...HOUSE. It wants you dead. Live with it.
I is for...ICHOR. It's gonna get in your hair. That's how this works.
J is for...JUMPER CABLES. Learn how to use them or you're probably toast.
K is for...KNIFE. It won't run out of ammo, and it's fun to stick in things. Size does matter.
L is for...LASER. If you have it, use it; if someone else has it, avoid it at all costs.
M is for...MONSTER. Do I even need to explain?
N is for...NIGHT. That's when they're likely to attack.
O is for...OCTOBER. Just stay in bed for this entire month. Seriously.
P is for...PISTOL. I recommend learning to shoot one as soon as possible.
Q is for...QUICK. People come in two flavors: the quick and the dead. Pick one.
R is for...RABIES. That's probably not what you're dealing with, here.
S is for...SNAKE. They come in 'giant' and 'poisonous,' and neither is very good for you.
T is for...TANK. If you have one, keep it. If you don't, get one. Mmmmmmm, tank.
U is for...UNSPEAKABLE. Half the things you'll deal with will be unspeakable. Therapy is your friend.
V is for...VICTIM. If you can't cope, this is what goes on your name tag.
W is for...WEREWOLF. Once the moon comes up, that's not Johnny anymore.
X is for...XENOMORPH. Because apparently our Earth monsters just weren't dangerous enough. Space assholes.
Y is for...YESTERDAY. Remember when reanimated rats weren't gnawing your ankles? Good times, man.
Z is for...ZOMBIE. Oh, you knew that was coming.

It was surprisingly easy to do this, and I had to reject a lot of good alphabet entries because their letters were already filled. (T is for Terror: give in and you get a second 'T' for 'Toast.'; G is for Gun: for the love of God, get one..., etc.) As it has made me giggle without cease for about an hour, I proclaim it a rousing success.

Got any suggestions?

So recently, I bought an issue of Maxim, only to discover that they had included their list of '200 movies everyone should see.' Naturally, I disagreed with a great many of their selections, especially the part where their horror movies seem to have been chosen through purely arbitrary measures, largely having to do with how much gore could be splattered on the screen. That doesn't work for me all that well, and so I have decided to present a better, more carefully considered list. IE, 'the horror movies I say everyone should see.'

( We cut because we care. Also because failure to cut results in a much higher bodycount, and nobody wants that. Well. I want that. But I'll be merciful. )

***

What did I miss?