Dealing with some shit: a plea.

[seanan_mcguire]

I am dealing with some shit right now. Some of you probably already know about the shit; others may be hearing that shit has happened for the first time. I will talk about the shit more, here, soon. It's just that LJ is an innately long-form medium, which means I've been putting off bringing the shit here until I can think about it reasonably. Know that I am coping, I am not alone, and I will explain myself better before much longer. But that is not what this post is about.

Because I have been very busy recently, and because I am known to be dealing with shit, I'm getting more and more "do not reply to this" messages, and "no answer needed" emails. And this is...this is not good. This is incredibly stressful and upsetting and has started sending me into panic spirals when I go to answer my email.

Look: no one can say "reply amnesty" except for me. If I say it, I am telling my brain "okay, you can rest." If you say it, to me, what you're telling my brain is a lovely combination of "I do not want you" and "I do not think you can handle your own responsibilities." This is because my brain is a jerk sometimes, and does not want me to be happy. This is an outgrowth of my OCD. I generally handle it pretty well, but right now, I'm getting a lot of "please do not reply" messages from people expressing sympathy or solidarity, and it's doing horrible things to my mental health.

I am not a fast correspondent. I do not answer everything instantly. I am not capable of keeping up with everything, all the time. But I do my best. I try to endure. Please don't tell me to stop talking to you.

My heart can't take it.

Comments

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

Seanan, we love you and your brains (even if they are occasionally dicks to you) and we do not want Seanan go asplodey all over the couches and drapes.
Thank you for the heads-up, please to tell us how else we may assist in other ways that do not impinge on your agency or encourage your brains to be dickish...

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you. <3

[jessicameigs.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't know what particular shit you're dealing with, but I most certainly understand where you're at, because I'm currently in that same position myself. Last Tuesday (the 22nd), my dad was involved in a very bad car accident, and a week ago today, he passed away from complications in the hospital. I haven't been able to even think about writing or even been able to get up the motivation to even try to force myself to write, much less do anything beyond "plan the funeral" and "help my mom deal with the aftermath." Responding to emails? Out of the question, except in short, sometimes almost manic, bursts.

I haven't emailed you or anything (I have no reason to--all it would be is a gushy, fangirly "OMG I LOVE YOUR BOOKS SO EFFIN' MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA" email), but I just wanted to send some e-hugs, because while I have no idea what you're going through, I completely understand and sympathize with the emotions behind it.

[morningapproach.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I am sorry you are going through this. I am sending you and your family positive, loving thoughts!

[martianmooncrab.livejournal.com]

my OCD has sympathy for yours... if I cant put something in its PROPER PLACE it doesnt go... well, that and other things.

It doesnt matter if you answer comments to me or not, I will still buy your books and read them. I would rather that you write books. So many words in a day to use up.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you. <3

[katyhh.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the look into your brain before I might have sent a similar phrase in mail for similar reasons. Katybrains work differently and there is NO WAY I would tell you "I do not want you".
But hey, that now means that I shall write you workmail ;-)
Love you, honey.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Love you too.

[anderyn.livejournal.com]

Love you and hope shit gets better soon. This kind of thing sucks.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[tapati.livejournal.com]

It's sad when people's coping strategies and issues collide because many of us also don't want to ever be a burden to anyone and expecting a reply might seem like that to some of your correspondents. Now that they know you'd rather reply when you can they can hopefully process that as "I'm not a burden to Seanan after all."

Hoping for better days for you and much comfort and solace during these hard times.

[gement.livejournal.com]

I do worry about being a burden, but I make a point of channeling that into modes of commenting that I know don't require a response (such as second-level commenting), since seeing a previous iteration of this PSA.

Seanan, thanks as always for being clear about your needs and boundaries so we can focus on being helpful instead of helpy.

[morningapproach.livejournal.com]

love love love. <3

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3

[anne_d]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with shit, and I hope you get things sorted to your satisfaction before your wonderful brain goes kablooie.

Please take care of you, you are the only you in the world, and not a mere device. I offer hugs and tea, and the Resident Felines offer purrs and whisker kisses.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[runiechica.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your ability to be honest and to know what it is you need. That is an incredibly difficult skill that people don't seem to be good at....Thanks for showcasing how to do it!

That aside, my thoughts are with you and sending hopes to an end of the negative shit for you.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[gammelor.livejournal.com]

*hugs and kitty kisses*
hope the shit gets flushed away soon

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I hope things will get better and easier for you very soon. While we don't really know one another at this time (and I hope we will as time passes), I would like to help in any way I can, even if it's just to say 'I'm here if you need to talk.'

{{{Hugs}}}

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[wolfsilveroak.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I will never, ever tell you to stop talking to me and if you do, I will be very, very sad.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you, darlin'.

[beccastareyes]

Oh, I hate it when brains are jerks, especially when they insist on doing it when you're trying to deal with other things.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Seriously, it's not fair.

[archangelwells.livejournal.com]

Brains are weird. I am sorry things are not well for you, how they are better soon. I express curiosity that "no reply needed" says "do not talk to me", but I accept that is how your brain works.

~offers hugs, if hugs from near stranger are wanted/helpful/ok~

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

If you say "you do not have the judgment to decide whether or not you need to answer this," what I hear is "I do not want you to answer this, because I do not actually want to have a dialog with you."

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Loving you from afar in a friendly, supportive manner, and thinking about you a lot as I read Sparrow Hill road outloud to my boyfriend in the car. It's an excellent book for reading on a car trip. I love doing the voices of Rose and Emma, and I love that you've shared them with us

Take care of you first. We'll be here when you need us.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[sdelmonte]

I know one piece of the crapstorm, and I feel like my words will be insufficient. So I will tell you what you already know, that there are people out here who love you and send hugs and good thoughts and so on.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[rhoda-rants.livejournal.com]

The jerkbrain is a very real, and very upsetting thing. Recognizing it for what it is helps. I dunno if it was Captain Awkward who originally came up with that term, but she brought it to my attention, and I am eternally grateful for that.

I also want to echo what tapati said about not wanting to be a burden--since you're a famous-ish author and we're mostly people who just read your stuff and enjoy it, and--by extension--you, it can feel a bit invasive/pushy on my end to expect . . . well anything in return. I say this as someone who has never emailed you or contacted you through anything but the LJ, but that's part of the reason why--I'd feel super overwhelmed in your position. Hell, I can barely keep up with my f'list as it is. It's also why (even though I doubt I've ever expressed this) I feel super appreciative when you do reply to me.

Deal with your shit however you need to; we aren't going anywhere. :)

*ALL THE JEDI HUGS*

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

If you say YOU MUST REPLY, I get shirty and annoyed. But just talking, and letting me reply when I have air, is never a problem. Honestly.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[dormouse-in-tea.livejournal.com]

I never want you to stop talking to me, and I will never ask, because you are in fact the best.

I grieve with thee.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[juglore.livejournal.com]

hugs

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

No idea what's giving you grief, but you deserve better.

I adore you, your songs, your books and your friends. The world is blessed by you.

You have a friend in south Oregon (a family of them, in fact), should the need to call on us arise.

Strength to your sword arm.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you, darlin'.

[tsgeisel.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping that the shit I know you're going through is all the shit you're going through. You have hugs and condolences coming your way.

Feel free to reply in your own time; your words are worth waiting for.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[spiffikins]

There are a couple of places on the internet, where I am reassured that awesome people do in fact exists in multitudes - and this is one of them.
I am impressed with your ability to verbalize your needs and what works for you! And I am firmly in the camp of people who want only to make things *easier* and fully appreciate helpful hints on how to do so - from you, and from all other people in my life!

I sincerely hope that things get better soon, and please take care of yourself!

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

People here are pretty cool. It's nice.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

{{{{hugs}}}} I'm sorry you're dealing with shit. And I have faith that you can persevere. BTW, I totally hear you on the pesky brain with OCD.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Stupid OCD.

[kyrielle]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this, and I am thinking of you, and I care.

Which feels so small to say, but it is true, so.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Thank you, darling.