Now we can cross the shifting sands.

[seanan_mcguire]

(Note: The following post discusses depression and suicide, quite frankly. If you want to skip it, I will understand. Also, I am calling a preemptive comment amnesty, because I don't know that I can get through whatever comments may be left. Thank you.)

***

I have a pretty good life.

That's not bragging, really. I mean, my life has its problems—it's stressful, I'm tired a lot, I'm a woman in the age of the Internet (which is unfortunately code for "I get some really disturbing hate sent my way for the crime of being outspoken and visible while existing as a non-male"), my foot hurts almost all the time, I worry about my friends—but there's no measuring stick that doesn't put me at "pretty good." I am financially secure enough to do things like take off for Disneyland at a moment's notice, to hug a woman standing as avatar for my favorite cartoon character. I have amazing friends who love me despite myself, and I struggle every day to be worthy of them. I have incredible cats. I sleep in an orange bedroom packed with dolls and books and Disney memorabilia.

I get to write books. I get to tell stories, for a living, and have people read and enjoy them. It's everything I ever wanted my life to be...

...and I spent more than half of 2013 wanting my life to stop.

I have been suicidal, off and on, since I was nine years old. I made multiple suicide attempts when I was a pre-teen and teenager; some came closer to success than others. I have my scars. My last active attempt was made when I was in my mid-twenties, and the friend who drove me to the train station has never forgiven me for making him complicit, in any way, in the attempt to take my life. I do not blame him for this, even as I know that I didn't mean to involve him; I just needed to get to the beach, and thought "hey, I can get a ride," and never stopped to consider what that might mean when he'd found out what I'd done, or worse, if he'd found out that I had succeeded. I couldn't see that far ahead. All I could see was the need to stop, to be over, to not need to do this anymore. Any of it.

A very dear friend of mine described suicidal urges and ideations as a narrowing, and she's exactly right, at least for me. It's not selfishness, not at its heart, because when things get that bad, it's virtually impossible to see continuing as an option. It's like climbing a very high mountain, and then running out of trail. You can't fly. It's not selfish to refuse to sprout wings and try. It would be selfish to stay where you are, to block the trail, to prevent others from climbing on without you.

It seems so much easier to just jump, and get out of everybody's way. It seems like the only logical choice. Selfishness doesn't really enter into it. I sort of wish it did. It would be easier to argue with the little voices, or at least it seems like it would be easier; we're all trained from childhood not to be selfish, and that makes selfishness easier to refute than narrowness. "I won't be selfish" is an easier statement than "I will continue to exist, even though there are no options, even though it will never get better, even though I am a burden to all those around me, even though I am unworthy of love, even though I do not deserve this skin, this sky, this space that I inhabit." And easy is...easy is easy. We want easy. When everything is hard, easy becomes incredibly tempting.

Writing this down is hard.

I didn't tell most people how depressed I was, because I didn't think I deserved my own depression. I have a pretty good life! I have all the things I listed, and more, and saying "I want to die" when I have a pretty good life felt like bragging; it felt like trying to claim a sorrow I had no right to. But depression doesn't give a fuck how good your life is. Depression is a function of fucked-up brain chemistry, and brain chemistry doesn't say "Oh, hey, you made the New York Times, that's cool, I better straighten out and fly right from now on." You can be depressed no matter what is happening around you, rags or riches, perfection or putridity. That does not make you wrong. Depression is a sickness. You can catch the flu at Disney World, and you can be depressed on your wedding day. No matter how good your life is, no matter how much people say they wish they had your problems, you are allowed to be unhappy. You are allowed to seek help. You are allowed to express your needs.

I did not actively attempt suicide in 2013, but that was only because I have had a lifetime of learning how to trick myself. I begged my agent to get me new book contracts. See? Can't die! I have deadlines! I cajoled my best friend into going to Disneyland with me. See? Can't die! I have to make faces with pixies! I accepted anthology invitations and convention invitations and let a lot of television build up on my DVR. Anything to create obligations that I would feel compelled to meet, but which weren't the kind that can overwhelm me. I made a lot of lists. I check-marked and itemized myself through the worst of it, and it worked, but it...it wasn't easy. I don't think it's ever going to be easy.

I am telling you this because I want you all to understand, at least on some level, that depression is not a thing you have to earn: it is not justified by tragedy, it is not created by grief. It can happen to anyone, and everyone has a right to seek help. Everyone has a right to be cared for, and to find a way to widen their options back into something that they can live with. Everyone. Even me; even you.

I would be very sad if I were not here to share 2014 with all of you. I hope—I really, truly do—that all of you will be here to share this beautiful year with me. Even if I don't know you, even if I've never met you or never will, I hope. Selfishness is easier to refute than narrowness, and we need to be here for each other, or those walls will crush the life from us.

I hope none of you have to deal with what I dealt with this past year. If you do, please, remember that you can seek help. You deserve help.

We all do.

Comments

[sheistheweather]

I am crying as I read this. Depression is my constant companion, too. Fuck depression.

I'm glad you're still here.

[shanejayell.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[starrcat.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. It explains depression so well. I am happy you got through last year and hope you get through many years to come. And that all of us suffering from depression find the way out.

[taldragon.livejournal.com]

i have no idea how long it took you to write this (although i can take a small guess at how difficult it was) but thank you.

thank you for describing it, and thank you for living and thank you for still being here and thank you for writing hard things even though it hurts so much.

do you mind if i share this post with some non-LJ people i know? they need to hear this.

[vixyish.livejournal.com]

To my knowledge, Seanan has always been okay with things she posts publicly here being shared as long as they're attributed.

Especially if it might help someone.

[kargashina.livejournal.com]

Yes. That's how it is for me too, but you describe it in a way that makes sense. Thank you.

[disposable002 (from livejournal.com)]

I totally agree that depression can hit anybody, regardless of how good their life is, or appears to be from the outside. Thank you for such an honest post; I know that it must have been painful. I hope that, at least, there was some catharsis in setting your thoughts down.

[tamingheadfauna.livejournal.com]

I grok in fullness.

Thank you.

Hugs if you want them.

[danjite.livejournal.com]

My parents actually asked me not to predecease them. This obligation was my touchstone to continued breathing through my bad years.

Oddly, and- naturally- YMMV, I stopped being chronically depressed when I was 40. I still get depressed, but my episodes last days instead of months-or-years. I am glad beyond measure I made it through the years of badbrain.

Thanks for writing this. Thanks for being you and bringing us joy.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Love to you and to your household. Missing you much right now.

[ebenbrooks.livejournal.com]

You're going to get a lot of "OMG I'm so sorry". I, however, will simply say that I've been there, and I know how awful it is. If you need anything that I can help you get, please ask.

[geekhyena.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. *offers hugs* I went through a period where a major reason for me not just say, walking off the ramparts of some castle (I was in Spain at the time) was "then my partners will have wasted that money in buying me tickets to that anime convention", or, "then I won't see how Girl Genius ends". Stuff like that helped me until I could get my feet under me again, but it was hard. It's never easy. (It wasn't easy admitting this, not even to myself)

For what it's worth, your books have helped me with my depression. You write heroines that are very inspiring, and some days, reminding myself "Toby wouldn't sit on her arse when there were monsters to be slain, so what's stopping you from slaying your own monsters?" is a major reason for getting out of bed. I know you've helped my girlfriend, too. So thank you, from both of us.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

I am so glad to have helped in any way.

[etherealclarity.livejournal.com]

I have a good friend who, during the early years of our friendship in college, attempted and/or expressed a desire to attempt suicide on multiple occasions. The fact that he was able to open up to me and a few others about this is very possibly what saved his life, because prior to then he had everyone in his life completely fooled. He was extremely skilled and practiced at hiding the dark times while emphasizing the good ones, particularly since he is such an engaging, outgoing individual. But in those rare moments when I saw him at his worst, he revealed that he hated himself, that he had always felt hopeless as long as he could remember. He would cry "everyone would be better off if I was not here" and curl up in bed and shut everyone out and the next day would lie and lie and lie and tell everyone that yes, he had tried therapy (he had not) and that no, medication didn't work for him (he had never tried it), and that yes, he had told his parents (they had no idea). Those of us who knew fought hard to help him get help. We argued that if he had been diabetic, he'd get insulin injections - why should he treat his brain any differently? We argued that of COURSE we wouldn't be better off without him. We contacted his parents. We checked in on him frequently, did everything we could think of to help.

In the end, he finally did let people help him. He didn't get better overnight, but over the course of a few years and trying a few different things doctors were able to diagnose him with bipolar disorder and get him on the right combination of meds and therapy. When I see him today, ten years later, it's like night and day. He's happily married now and seems genuinely happy, not just exuberant and outgoing. It's not always smooth, there are bumps in the road, but he's in a much better place and I'm so grateful that he got there.

Seanan, I know it's an uphill battle. But I know that the people in your life are so grateful that you're still around to fight it.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

I am very glad you were there to help him when he needed you. Thank you.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're still here. ::HUGS::

My son has depression and kept himself from suicide by telling himself what it would do to me. He told me. We got help.

Please take care of yourself. If it makes a difference (because I know some things can't make a difference through depression), remember that you are well-loved.

[kay-gmd.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you're reading these, but wanted to say thank you!

I haven't personally experienced depression, but have several friends who do, and I've sometimes struggled to understand it. I don't think anything will ever get me to a place where I do understand, but this helps.

[wolfsilveroak.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Bless you for being brave enough to share this with us.

[bzarcher.livejournal.com]

I spent a lot of 2013 fighting my own depression, and finally getting medicated.

I've been down the hole, and I know exactly what you mean about tricking yourself to keep going.

*hug* Thank you. Thanks for everything, thanks for writing, thanks for every time you talk on Tumblr or LJ or Reddit or Twitter or whatever.

Thank you for staying.

[pameladean]

I'm very glad you are still here, and sorry it's so hard to stay.

And, um, look! Real Science!

http://www.wired.co.uk/news/archive/2014-01/08/depression-cure

Not actually a cure, but more one in a series of "it's more complicated but we are really figuring it out" events.

P.

[jkusters]

Yes, very much so. I have found good coping skills for myself so I no longer get suicidal, but when I was younger, I struggled with it. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that there were no ways out that wouldn't be painful in one way or another, because somewhere inside I knew that exploiting my fear of pain was the only way I'd avoid actually making an attempt. Each person's experiences and coping mechanisms are unique to that person (and their individual brain chemistry). I'm glad you've found ways to keep tricking yourself, and I hope that you continue to do so for a good long time (or you find a way to make your depression less tenacious).

[black-faery.livejournal.com]

*applauds*

A brave post, thank you Seanan.

I have been fighting depression on and off for over half my life. It is only the fact that it is cyclical that has made it bearable - knowing there is a path out the other side and I will come back to feeling like I can take on the world is what keeps me going. That, and knowing that the drugs work for me. I am open and honest about the dried frog pills, as I feel that not being honest is a way of lying to people about it. I wouldn't try to hide a cast if I had a broken limb.

Depression makes us stronger. It makes us more willing to fight - "Hey, I've been coping with depression for years, I can handle your stupid attitude" - and it gives us empathy. I truly believe I would be a worse person at heart if I did not have depression. That is not to say that lying in bed crying because getting up and facing the world is too hard is not a happy place to be. Or crying because I forgot to water the tomato plants and they died because of it. The brain is a fucked up and ridiculous thing at times.

Thank you for posting this. I hope your 2014 is a happy and healthy one, that your headspace stays clear and you continue to write your amazing stories and share them with us.

[kimuro.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing, and posting, this. It is a powerful, sucker-punch of a statement about a very misunderstood disorder.

[lazzchan.livejournal.com]

I know you said you probably will not read the comments, but I wanted to state my bit anyway. To read the words that are inside my head is ... well, I can't articulate the word and feelings I'm looking for. It took me a very very long time for me to realize that it was not my fault and I shouldn't feel guilty for my depression. I've been battling depression my entire life-- my nickname from my own parents was "Eeyore" and "Gloomy Gus" because I wasn't the bright, always happy and cheerful child. Books were always my escape from my worst bouts, writing another. I write with other people because it helps me connect.

I did what you did as well. I created obligations that I couldn't let myself fail on meeting. I have a cat-- I don't want to leave him alone. I plan to go on a trip to Japan. I want to finish /your book series/ and dangit, I will finish it and make it to the end and then go on and read more. I want to get my first novel published somewhere other than the internet. There are days when it is incredibly difficult.

I want to thank you for articulating this, for opening up a piece of yourself so that others can see that what they battle is not a fight that am g they do alone, that it is okay to recognize that it is a battle and going forward, it is okay to fight with sword in hand or hide under the fort of pillows and blankets and retreat until another day. It took my friend finding me in a... rather bad position to drag me to help--- and this wasn't even a friend that was particularly friends with me at the time. She knew I needed something and she set about getting me on the path to do it.

I am glad that you haven't given up the fight yet and I hope as well that not just this year, but for many years to come, you will still be here to share your words and stories and songs.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

You are so welcome, and I am so glad you're here.

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Depression and suicidal thoughts are something I know as familiarly as the back of my hand. I'd say I battled them, and sometimes I have, but sometimes they have been my bosom companions. That's truth.

I know, though, that depression lies. I know it comes into your life to steal, kill, and destroy all the good things. If there is an evil in this world, I'd say it wears the face of depression, and I say that as someone who has cuddled up to it and let the fangs sink deep into her flesh at times. Depression is the true thief in the night... or in my case, the thief at 3 am.

To say that I am glad that depression didn't manage to steal you away from us would be an understatement. I am deeply sorry for the things it managed to steal from you this time. I am so very glad that your coping mechanisms won out, that your inescapable work ethic could be used to tether you here. I'm not ready for a world without a Seanan in it.

[beasting-quest.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so glad that you're still here (and that I'm still here, despite everything), and I'd want you to be there next year, too, and the years after that. I know there isn't much more but wishing and hoping when it's like this. But I do, both of these.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I thought something was up when I saw you at the signing in Borderlands. I'm impressed you found a way to hold on during 2013. I have those demons, too, and tried to kill myself when I was 10. It's no fun at all. Fortunately, now I have a Chaz, who fills me with joy. And food. Come to dinner. We'll feed you, and give you Diet Dr. Pepper to drink.

[parodie.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you made it through those difficult times - and this past year - so you could continue to share your amazing gifts with the world.

So very glad. Thank you for fighting those demons, and thank you for being your amazing self.

[ladymurmur.livejournal.com]

Thank you. For this and for so much more.

I am exceedingly glad to share 2014 with you! There is so much to look forward to. I tried to express my squee during 2013, but just in case I didn't do so adequately enough - new Seanan/Mira novels, novellas, short stories in anthologies, and Indexing episodes were brilliant moments of delight and escape during an often stressful year. For a goodly while, alternate Tuesdays were the highlight of the week, because there would be a new Indexing episode waiting once I got home. Re-reading the Incryptid and Toby Daye books/stories kept me company and brought me calm and rest during long nights of insomnia. Help can come from the most unexpected of places sometimes.