Sometimes you'll never know why.
Aug. 20th, 2012 08:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seanan_mcguireSo a little while ago, I posted about self-promotion and my basic thoughts on same, which boil down to "don't be a dick" and "don't go door-to-door across the internet." Pretty basic, reasonably close to universal (although I don't really believe in universal truths, beyond "don't French kiss a rattlesnake"), generally non-offensive. Which means, of course, that some people took offense.
Sometimes, no matter what you do, you're going to offend people. Sometimes you'll never know why.
Things I have done in the past week that someone has found offensive: listened to loud, "weird" music. Had an opinion about whether or not people who aren't me should be allowed to make decisions about my body. Enjoyed bad science fiction. Had my hair highlighted in preparation for the Hugos. Implied that there's a double standard in how women are expected to dress for the Hugos vs. how men are expected to dress for the Hugos. Implied that it's more expensive to be female. Bought children's toys for myself. Bought children's toys for a child. These are just the things I know about mind you, and I only know because in each case, someone told me. I'm not sure why most of these things were offensive. I don't actually want to know. And that, right there, probably offends someone.
I do my best to Marilyn Munster my way through life, leaving fields of happy zombies and sparkly plagues behind me. Sadly, though, nothing is that inoffensive. Not unless it's, say, a rock, and even that will offend, if it gets into somebody's shoe. There is no way to avoid giving offense. Not if you're a thing that actually exists.
And it can be hard, as someone whose audience is largely online, to deal with the thought that I might accidentally offend someone, lose potential readers, and wind up living in a cardboard box next to the creek. My cats aren't supposed to go outside! (This is the "worst case scenario" mindset. It kicks in when I think I've upset someone. My brain is a theme park that hates me.) Case in point:
A while ago—within the last year, although I couldn't tell you when—someone with whom I had communicated on Twitter, but who I didn't really know, asked me "Why did you kill character X?" I gave the response I always give to that question, which is completely honest, despite having been originally stolen from Stephen King: "I didn't kill them. They just died." I have made the conscious choice to kill very few characters. Most of them are sacrifices to the story, and I'm as surprised as anyone else when I see what's coming. It's an odd answer, but a totally sincere one.
(Example of me killing a character on purpose: I killed Rose. It was sort of essential, since her story hinges on her being, you know. Dead.)
This person did not find my answer sincere. They proceeded to declare on Twitter that I was a horrible person who disrespected her readers and didn't appreciate reader questions and was generally horrid, and then went and amended all their reviews of my books to lower their ratings, so that it would be clear that they did not give good scores to mean authors. So with one statement that I still don't regret making, because it was sincere, I lost a reader, and the aggregate scores of my books went down. And I'm lucky in that this is one of the biggest "bad author, no authorial biscuit" scandals that I've had to deal with so far.
Do I know exactly why my response was offensive? Nope. I've said that to other people without causing offense (that I'm aware of). Did this person explain? Nope. Is that the only time I'm going to cause offense in this world?
Nope.
No matter what you do, you're going to piss people off. Hell, me saying "offense is inevitable" is probably pissing someone off. So take deep breaths, and don't dwell on it too much. As long as we're all doing our best not to be horrible and hurtful, it should be okay, in the long run.
Even if we never know why.
Sometimes, no matter what you do, you're going to offend people. Sometimes you'll never know why.
Things I have done in the past week that someone has found offensive: listened to loud, "weird" music. Had an opinion about whether or not people who aren't me should be allowed to make decisions about my body. Enjoyed bad science fiction. Had my hair highlighted in preparation for the Hugos. Implied that there's a double standard in how women are expected to dress for the Hugos vs. how men are expected to dress for the Hugos. Implied that it's more expensive to be female. Bought children's toys for myself. Bought children's toys for a child. These are just the things I know about mind you, and I only know because in each case, someone told me. I'm not sure why most of these things were offensive. I don't actually want to know. And that, right there, probably offends someone.
I do my best to Marilyn Munster my way through life, leaving fields of happy zombies and sparkly plagues behind me. Sadly, though, nothing is that inoffensive. Not unless it's, say, a rock, and even that will offend, if it gets into somebody's shoe. There is no way to avoid giving offense. Not if you're a thing that actually exists.
And it can be hard, as someone whose audience is largely online, to deal with the thought that I might accidentally offend someone, lose potential readers, and wind up living in a cardboard box next to the creek. My cats aren't supposed to go outside! (This is the "worst case scenario" mindset. It kicks in when I think I've upset someone. My brain is a theme park that hates me.) Case in point:
A while ago—within the last year, although I couldn't tell you when—someone with whom I had communicated on Twitter, but who I didn't really know, asked me "Why did you kill character X?" I gave the response I always give to that question, which is completely honest, despite having been originally stolen from Stephen King: "I didn't kill them. They just died." I have made the conscious choice to kill very few characters. Most of them are sacrifices to the story, and I'm as surprised as anyone else when I see what's coming. It's an odd answer, but a totally sincere one.
(Example of me killing a character on purpose: I killed Rose. It was sort of essential, since her story hinges on her being, you know. Dead.)
This person did not find my answer sincere. They proceeded to declare on Twitter that I was a horrible person who disrespected her readers and didn't appreciate reader questions and was generally horrid, and then went and amended all their reviews of my books to lower their ratings, so that it would be clear that they did not give good scores to mean authors. So with one statement that I still don't regret making, because it was sincere, I lost a reader, and the aggregate scores of my books went down. And I'm lucky in that this is one of the biggest "bad author, no authorial biscuit" scandals that I've had to deal with so far.
Do I know exactly why my response was offensive? Nope. I've said that to other people without causing offense (that I'm aware of). Did this person explain? Nope. Is that the only time I'm going to cause offense in this world?
Nope.
No matter what you do, you're going to piss people off. Hell, me saying "offense is inevitable" is probably pissing someone off. So take deep breaths, and don't dwell on it too much. As long as we're all doing our best not to be horrible and hurtful, it should be okay, in the long run.
Even if we never know why.
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Date: 2012-08-20 03:51 pm (UTC)People are crazy. You're awesome, even if I don't agree with everything you say (so far I have yet to see something in that list I don't agree with, but whatever) that's the wonderful thing about opinions!!!!
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Date: 2012-08-20 03:56 pm (UTC)I am not understanding the logic here. Are cats happier when on fire? Has there been a study that I missed? If no, can it not ever, ever be conducted, ever?
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Date: 2012-08-20 03:52 pm (UTC)Oh, great. NOW you tell me. *amends evening plans*
I really wish I could adopt Stephen Fry's famous attitude towards people who get offended by things:
'It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that", as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I'm offended by that." Well, so fucking what?'
—Stephen Fry
Sadly, I'm too insecure to really pull it off. Even when it's indirect, like when I point to something I find funny or interesting and someone comes along to tell me they found it awful...I end up taking that as a commentary on me for liking it and thinking it was worth sharing.
Brains are weird.
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Date: 2012-08-20 03:57 pm (UTC)Love you.
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Date: 2012-08-20 03:56 pm (UTC)2: Must remember to go rate the books, 'cause I'm all for "just died" instead of laboriously-plotted deaths.
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:08 pm (UTC)-TG
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 04:14 pm (UTC)On the other, I am at a loss to understand why people feel your taste in music or bad SF or children's toys requires *them* to feel offended... they are free to agree or disagree, accept or dismiss, but taking offense just shouldn't be on the list. Although I suspect it's part of a continuum of thought that allows people to think they have any say in who other adults choose to love or marry, or to make laws based on religious belief...
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 04:21 pm (UTC)This, apparently caused enormous offense to the other party, to my utter bafflement. Why would THAT, out of the entire emotionally overwrought conversation, mortally offend them??
It was months before I discovered, via a third party, that they had never, ever seen The Princess Bride, and they thought that "highness" was vicious name calling on my part. *facepalm*
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:21 pm (UTC)Eh. Fuck 'em.
Hmmm...maybe I should change my icon to a non-picure-y one in case I'm offending someone who will encounter me in my work capacity.
You do nothing to offend. Can't say that I agree with every single thing you've ever uttered but that doesn't make you offensive.
And lest you somehow be offended by my implied disagreement I'll just say I assume we have differences somewhere along the line. Because we are human. And if we were so perectly aligned we'd spend more time together. /snark.
People need to get over theirownselves.
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:20 pm (UTC)And world of no offense that gasp, WE'RE NOT THE SAME PERSON. Hell, sometimes I offend myself, and I'm supposed to be me, like, twenty-four/seven.
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:23 pm (UTC)http://media.photobucket.com/image/recent/krispos42/Comics/bloom_county_life_is_offensive.gif
And please, you'll never end up in a cardboard box. Lilly, Thomas, and Alice have contingency plans.
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:27 pm (UTC)I've actually been thinking about a lot of his old Bloom County strips, and it's kind of weird how prescient his strips are (or how cyclical our society is). :)
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:10 pm (UTC):-)
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:27 pm (UTC)This is my theory, and what it is too.
Also -- no one else gets to complain or argue with what your characters do. You're telling us stories. (Thanks!) The dynamic is not that we tell you what the stories are and how they go. Someone wants characters to do something -- they can write their own stories about their own characters.
This is the second theory which is mine.
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-08-20 04:29 pm (UTC)I think this makes for a wonderful sttitude to a person's life :)
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 04:56 pm (UTC)Hang in there!
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 04:59 pm (UTC)The important thing to keep in mind is the vast gulf between someone getting offended by something you said and you actually having said something offensive.
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:21 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 05:15 pm (UTC)You get this. Youv'e set up a universe, and things happen. You can affect it, but you don't really control it.
To someone who isn't a writer, this doesn't make sense. You're the writer, you're in control, if anything happens in your books it's because you chose to do it, obviously. So your response comes across as flippant and frankly an outright lie. And someone who would flippantly lie to a reader who is clearly invested in your work obviously makes you a Bad Person.
What this amounts to, and which seems to usually be the case in major offenses, is lack of some context which one assumes is shared. In this case, you have that understanding of your interaction with characters which your reader lacks. I see one of the other commentators mentioning a quote from "Princess Bride" being horribly misinterpreted because the recipient had never seen that move. I've had it happen all the time - an innocent remark triggers something for the other person in ways I could never have imagined, or some comment of mine alludes to a meaning the other person has no way of getting. Usually it's just confusing, sometimes it isn't. And, unfortunately, when we're upset we don't tend to stop and think "could the other person have possibly known I would take it this way?" nor "Hey, until this point they were perfectly respectful - maybe they didn't mean to be offensive, I should ask."
Also, of course, some people really are assholes.
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:23 pm (UTC)Bah. Thank you for the perspective. It really does help.
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 05:23 pm (UTC)She does a great job.
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Date: 2012-08-20 05:23 pm (UTC)On this end, I've already pissed off the daughter, but that's a mom's job sometimes. So I'm good for today. ;o)
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Date: 2012-08-20 06:05 pm (UTC)Seanan McGuire: Sometimes you'll never know why.
Date: 2012-08-20 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 05:51 pm (UTC)That sanguinity doesn't apply, however, when the critics start to mess with your livelihood, change to neg feedback about your work onto Amazon, etc. in response to perceived personal slights. Because, really? Really?? Then, imho, it's time to Take Steps. Complain to Twitter admin folks, tell 'em you're being stalked. Complain to Fbook ppl re same. Unfriend them from Fbook, LiveJournal, wherever. Have your publisher send a note to the Amazon folks (can they do that?). There's such a thing as taking things too far, and nut job fans who get a little too stalker-y, and it sounds like you've found one. Or a few. Yuck.
Sending good thoughts your way in meantime. 8-)
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Date: 2012-08-20 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 06:03 pm (UTC)I read a borrowed copy of Discount Armageddon this weekend and was delighted. I did not expect to be into it and now intend to go buy a paper copy the next time I'm in a real live bookstore.
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Date: 2012-08-20 06:07 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you liked the book! I love it, but I'm not objective.
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Date: 2012-08-20 06:18 pm (UTC)Thank you for admitting that even rock stars like you have thoughts like this. I have them all the time, and it's a little less crazy-making to be reminded that I'm not the only one who does.
Maybe it's a universal condition and we don't know because we're all out there putting on game faces and pretending to be all confident and stuff.
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Date: 2012-08-21 06:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 06:26 pm (UTC)Though on that specific person, way to overreact? The death of a character can hurt, and I readily admit that character deaths have influenced my stance on anything from movies to shows to books or authors, but if it makes me so angry I want to confront the creator like they wanted to deprive me, personally, I'd rather go to my happy place and spend time with some of my favourite things instead of, you know, stomping my feet and yelling at near strangers on the internet.
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Date: 2012-08-21 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 06:45 pm (UTC)And not that you will ever need it but the cats & you can always emigrate to Canada & live in our basement - there are exciting dusty rafters 'n stuff!
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Date: 2012-08-21 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 07:42 pm (UTC)I had someone tell me their parents walked out of my concert because they were offended by one of my songs. Mind you this person had zero intention of making me insecure--their point was that they agreed with me and couldn't figure out how to tell their parents.
It weirded me out just a little because the song in question was something I worked very hard to make inoffensive. And I sometimes see people walking out of my concerts and usually figure it's about them, not me (as in "they just realized they promised to meet their daughter in the lobby ten minutes ago and they're getting tearstained text messages" or something like that.)
But I guess only way to offend no one is not to exist. Not worth it.
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Date: 2012-08-21 06:59 pm (UTC)*hug*