Ten things I have learned from horror movies.

[seanan_mcguire]

I watch a great many horror and monster movies, and have since I was a very small child. This explains a lot. This has also taught me a great many things about what not to have characters do, 'cause it's dumb. I will share some of those things now.

***

10. Do not clone predatory dinosaurs and expect things to go well right out of the gate. Seriously, here. In the movie Raptor, they're trying to clone "dinosaurs with a brain*" to do heavy labor and generally become grunt workers for mankind. Okay, if you're a moron, I guess that's a plan. So they start with...velociraptors. And Tyrannosaurus Rex. Because, y'know, that ten-ton killing machine is totally going to use sentience to go "sure, tiny meat-snack man, I'll work my tail off for you!" If you're going to clone dinosaurs, start with a plant-eater.

(*Meaning "a human level of intelligence and reasoning." Because that's a good idea.)

9. While we're on the subject, do not make anything that already likes the taste of people super-intelligent. We still have issues with certain species of domestic animal flipping out and deciding to eat their owners when instinct kicks in. There is no possible way that Great White sharks aren't going to use their super-intelligence against us (as the scientists in Deep Blue Sea learned to their dismay). The phrase "just not worth it" comes to mind, as does "clearly, whatever you have just enhanced is the only sentient thing here."

8. I like snakes. I am, in fact, a snake fan. That being said, I have no illusions about the fact that every snake I've ever owned would have happily eaten me if the situation had presented itself. There's actually a species of anaconda that's managed to figure out, all on its own, that people are made of meat. Researchers were disappearing in South America at one point, because while the snake had made this impressive leap of logic, it hadn't told anybody that lived. In short: giant snakes are a bad, bad, bad idea. Do not do it.

7. I also like swamps. I am pro-squishy, marshy, horrible places where I can romp around in ankle-deep goo. I do not go into swamps while drunk. I do not go into swamps where people have recently disappeared. I do not go into swamps alone when there's any chance that the swamp harbors a secret clan of cannibals that has been eating swamp-goers for generations. You shouldn't do these things, either.

6. Do not poke the slime that fell from space. Let someone else do it, while you stand at a safe distance and get ready to run like hell. Actually, unexplained slime is pretty much never ever ever ever a good thing, as it means either "alien blob," "alien drool," "leaking nuclear power plant," "flesh-eating disease and there's a skeleton under there"...yeah, all of these things are just not good. Do not poke.

5. If you get your fortune told by a carnival fortune teller, and the carnival fortune teller starts shrieking at you to get out get out get out, and it's not my Aunt Royce, it is, perhaps, time to panic. Not time to go laugh about the crazy lady and walk straight into a wheat combine. Please do not elevate "dumb" to an art form.

4. Y'know, when I was a teenager, my boyfriends knew that if we went parking and I heard a strange noise and said "what was that noise?" and they did not respond with "let's go park someplace where there aren't freaky noises that make my horror movie-savvy girlfriend unhappy," they weren't getting any. They were, in fact, possibly getting dumped. Maybe all teenage girls should take this approach.

3. There is no goddamn reason to run in high heels across broken or uneven ground. Maybe if your choices are "high heels" or "barefoot in the junkyard," but that's just a maybe. If you step on a nail, that's gonna suck, but if you're scared enough, it's not gonna slow you down one bit. If you break a heel, on the other hand, you're gonna fall down and the man with the hook for the hand is going to catch your ass. High heels get you gutted. This has been a safety announcement.

2. Hearkening back to the first item on this list, there is actually no damn reason to clone anything from prehistoric times that you can't guarantee is a) not a carnivore, b) not poisonous, and c) not bigger than a house cat. Seriously, the world is really getting along just fine without the saber-toothed anything. I like all these animals. If they existed, I'd want to see them. But then they would eat us all, and I'm against that.

1. If something has been introduced into the ecosystem which causes one noticeable local creature to mutate to unusual size, it is time to leave. I'm quite serious here. Aruba is lovely this time of year. If you have giant dragonflies, well, that's very pretty and all, but you probably also have giant mosquitoes. Giant leeches. Giant snakes again, and that's still a bad idea. Don't mutate the local ecosystem, and if someone else does it for you, don't stick around to watch the fun.

Comments

[scarybaldguy.livejournal.com]

Because, y'know, that ten-ton killing machine is totally going to use sentience to go "sure, tiny meat-snack man, I'll work my tail off for you!" If you're going to clone dinosaurs, start with a plant-eater.

Even that's not such a good idea. Ask Thag Simmons (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thagomizer).

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Point.

[bunsen-h.livejournal.com]

... "and never say 'I'll be right back'".

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Noooooooooooooo.

[ladymurmur.livejournal.com]

Seriously, the world is really getting along just fine without the saber-toothed anything.

You're absolutely right - but it does make me a wee bit sad.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

It is definitely sad. This does not make cloning the answer.

[spitphyre.livejournal.com]

Luckily for past cinema movie-land folks hadn't figured most of this out. Unfortunately for current cinema, movie-land people STILL haven't figured most of this out.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Seriously.

[corinneduyvis.livejournal.com]

Possible counter-point to 6: Superpowers?

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Won't do you much good sans skin.

[misachan.livejournal.com]

Number 9 reminds me of the Tin Fins episode of Sealab 2021: "We've taken nature's most perfect killing machine and needlessly turned it into a robot!"

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Yaaaaaaaaay!

[wfw-sj.livejournal.com]

Snakes? Housecats are just as murderous, if not more so, and they're already intelligent enough. The only thing that keeps them from . . . MURDER . . . is their smaller size. Plus perhaps some general fondness for us.

[queenmaggie.livejournal.com]

uh-uh. No THUMBS. they can't open doors, cupboards or cans. THAT's the only reason they haven't taken over the world.

[beccastareyes]

I question the wisdom and ethics of making anything super-intelligent and not expecting it to eventually revolt. Herbivores just mean they might kill you, and they might enslave you, but they probably won't eat you.

Re: 6. If you absolutely must poke something -- say, to nudge it out of the way so you can clear an escape route and there's no convenient redshirt around to do it for you -- remember that we are a tool-using species and there exist many alternatives to touching alien slime with bare hands. Given it's a horror movie, you might learn the hard way that metal/glass/wood/etc. is exactly what the alien slime needs to start its Terror Spree, but I still think the odds are better than using your hands.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

I tend to agree.

[lilisonna.livejournal.com]

My go-to-lesson from the Made for TV Bad Horror Movies I watched as a kid was "If the House tells you to "GET OUT" you should leave." If you do not leave, you merely force the house to escalate to knives flying across the room, electrical wires reaching for you, and - as a last resort - opening portals to demon dimensions in order to convince you to leave. Just leave. There is no mortgage worth Bleeding Walls.

Also, this list made me happy today, and I really needed something that made me happy today. :-)

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

I totally agree. Once the house says go, you go.

Now, one can argue that the entire ecology of Australia is the house saying "go"...

[eilan.livejournal.com]

High heels get you gutted. This has been a safety announcement.
I wish they would pay attention to this.

Also, why does everyone go UPSTAIRS when they hear a scary noise?
Or keep their cell phone on the highest ringer possible when hiding from the monster?

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

I do. Not. Know.

[vulpine137.livejournal.com]

*makes lots of notes* Very good advice, I'll try to stick to it.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[djonn]

In the interests of completeness:

What should we do if the gypsy fortuneteller in #5 actually is your Aunt Royce (and how will we be able to tell)?

[alicetheowl.livejournal.com]

I would point out that Seanan used the phrase, "carnival fortune teller," most likely because "gypsy fortune teller" is a stereotype, and not a terribly accurate one.

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

High heels get you gutted.

I would like that phrase on a t-shirt. I am a committed flat shoes girl, and whenever I see people in hells on a regular basis I think, "well at least I'll be able to outrun them".

[jennielf.livejournal.com]

*like*
This is often what I think as well! /internet high-five!

[tikiera.livejournal.com]

You know, I think I am going to use this list for the next season of my RPG superhero game.

Because Cthonic creatures are not enough horror. :)

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Awesome!

[midnightblooms.livejournal.com]

Also, do not split up to explore the scary noise/dark cave/haunted house/evil woods. Stay. Together. There is safety in numbers.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Very true.

[wake-the-dragon.livejournal.com]

Oh Horror Movie Science, when will you learn to stop making things based solely on how cool they'd be? When?

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Shortly after we have all been eaten.

[phillip2637.livejournal.com]

When I saw this post, I assumed I knew what direction it was going but I don't see the appropriate link anywhere.

http://betabeat.com/2012/08/australian-billionaire-reportedly-planning-to-clone-a-dinosaur-for-jurassic-park-themed-resort/

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

I really hope he manages it. Then Australia will be EVEN BETTER.

[l-o-lostshadows.livejournal.com]

I've always been a proponent of the Romancing the Stone way of dealing with high heels, but there are probably better uses for a machete in a horror movie situation.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

True!

[oneminutemonkey.livejournal.com]

One thing I have learned from all movies:
1) 19 out of 20 times, the bad guys bring it upon themselves. They try to kill the retired spy. They try to shut down the secret program by killing all involved. They frame the black ops team. Seriously, you'd think they ought to know by now: IF YOU TRY TO KILL THEM AND FAIL, THEY WILL COME FOR YOU. LEAVE THEM WELL ENOUGH ALONE. See: A-Team, Losers, Red, The Bourne movies...

[dewline.livejournal.com]

Exactement.

[joncwriter.livejournal.com]

My first on this list is always: "If it has an unnatural glow and makes a wub wub wub sound, especially if it's something embedded in rock, DO NOT TOUCH IT, FOR THE LOVE OF PIE." It seems professors and various versions of The Doctor have always fell prey to this, and I just don't get it...

[archangelbeth]

But... In City of Heroes... The things you're supposed to touch are glowing and making a wuuub wuuub wuuub noise!

[aerrin.livejournal.com]

Love this post. Have you seen Dale and Tucker vs Evil, with Alan Tudyk? We caught it on Netflix last night and laughed our way through it - it's a hilarious sendup of cabin-in-the-woods horror movie cliches, with the creepy-looking hillbillies as the protagonists.

[alicetheowl.livejournal.com]

I loved that movie far more than I had any right to. OMG, the trope-busting funny.

[nyxalinth.livejournal.com]

Especially, if what you're thinking of creating/mutating/cloning looks like it came from a Roger Corman or SyFy channel movie...


DON'T.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

WORD.

[sillylilly-bird.livejournal.com]

A marvelous elucidation. Too bad so few film-land types can read....

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

Seriously.

[tigertoy.livejournal.com]

Thought 1: anyone evil enough to seek to create an intelligent slave species deserves any reverses that may be visited on them. If their chosen slaves are huge, pointy, and hungry, it strikes me that their comeuppance is likely to come more quickly and thus, more likely to be limited to just them, so encouraging them to plot in that direction may actually be a good thing. If the prototype of the neo-tyrannosaurids eats its creator right out of the vat, it probably won't establish a viable self-sustaining population. The physically unformidable slave race has to breed into vast numbers before it can achieve revenge, and that means a lot of collateral damage.

Thought 2: this planet's disastrously overpopulated. Something's gotta give. I know you like plagues and all, but some of us prefer an apocalypse with more fangs.

Thought 3: friends of mine in college observed that the best superpower ever would be the ability to hear the sound track. You'd be able to deduce what genre of movie you're in, which is vital for knowing how to act. And even if it turns out to be a horror movie, being able to hear the building musical tension is an invaluable clue.

[archangelbeth]

Riff on Thought One: After extinction, humans are brought back to be a slave race to a smaller, more fragile evolutionary descendant of mice or mayflies. Mayhem Ensues. Rar!

Riff on Thought Two:
Some say the world will end in plague
Some say in fangs
From what I've tasted of ill-ease
I side with those who choose disease
But if I had to die again
I think I know enough of blood
To say the rule of claw and fang
And tails' heavy thud
Has a certain tang.
--With Apologies to Robert Frost, as I could not keep the scansion.

[martianmooncrab.livejournal.com]

getting along just fine without the saber-toothed anything

as if my tiny 6 pound feline wouldnt look cuter than the dickens with tiny matching saber teeth while he is wrapped around my hand chomping on me. This is the same kitty that I was bopping with a stuffed bunny that was bopping the bunny back with prejudice.

[seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com]

D'awwwww.