Rose-Owls and Pumpkin Girls

This is how we cook turkeys in my family. I share because a) I care, and b) apparently, some people have experienced dryness in their breast meat via cooking their turkeys in another fashion, whereas my mother once set a turkey on fire and still had moist breast meat. Despite the, y'know, flames.

You will need:

* A turkey. Duh. If you have no turkey, go away.
* Ginger ale.*
* Olive oil.
* Fresh garlic. I use pre-crushed, because I am lazy. You're welcome to play Alton Brown and crush your own. I won't stop you, but I may laugh at you while I sit back and do my nails.
* Honey.
* Brown sugar.
* Dry spices according to your specific taste. I use a mixture of sage, thyme, and rosemary. One of my cousins uses curry powder. It's all you.
* Salt and pepper.
* Something vegetable to shove into the turkey. More on this in a second.

* A roasting pan of some sort.
* A turkey baster.
* A meat brush.
* Foil.
* A way to get the turkey out of the roasting pan, because that sucker will be hot and heavy.

You will want:

* A turkey thermometer. Sexy, sexy little things that they are.

(*As far as ginger ale goes, I recommend Canada Dry. If your bird is between zero and sixteen pounds, you will need two liters. If your bird is between sixteen and twenty-five pounds, you will need four liters. If your bird is over twenty-five pounds, I am coming to your place for dinner. Add two liters if you are using one of those fancy-ass roasting pans where your turkey is on a rack and getting sort of steamed by the liquid evaporating beneath it, because those suckers use up your basting liquid like nobody's business.)

( Let's begin with the bird. )

Take four slices of bread, two tomatoes, ketchup, A-1 steak sauce (original), black pepper, and granulated garlic. Instructions are per sandwich.

Apply ketchup to the bread, thoroughly. I mean, you want to just goop it on there like you were trying to use it as a hair gel substitute in a high school production of Grease. Once your bread is all ketchup-ed up, apply A-1 sauce. Just puddle it on one piece of bread, and then stick the bread together to spread it.

Put the black pepper on one slice of bread. Put the granulated garlic on the other slice of bread.

Slice a tomato as thinly as possible, and stack on one slice of bread. Close the sandwich. Repeat with the second sandwich. Now eat as quickly as possible, as your condiments have already begun to consume the bread.

Does not travel well.