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seanan_mcguireI watch a great many horror movies -- enough that my DVD shelf looks somewhat like an extension of the mind of Wes Craven -- and this has left me with a firm list of do's and don'ts on the topic of 'getting out alive.' I will share some of these handy-dandy tips now.
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10. Genetically enhanced snakes can get everywhere. Seriously, an underground bunker guaranteed to protect the resident scientists from nuclear winter and biological attack, not going to do a damn thing about the genetically enhanced snakes. As snakes can apparently be engineered to do everything from 'grow to the size of a subway train' to 'give you Ebola with a single bite,' this is bad. Wear sturdy shoes, do not walk in tall grass or let yourself be convinced to enter any body of water that isn't completely transparent. Avoid outhouses, bubble baths, camping, and the old coal mine that was abandoned due to thermal venting.
9. Most monsters can be, if not killed by firearms, at least slowed down or convinced to go and eat somebody else. Learn to fire a gun. I don't care if you're the most pro-gun control person on the planet, learn how a gun works, which end to point, which end to hold, and how to release the safety. This will help you when the monsters come. It'll also help you avoid becoming the funny, funny casualty who accidentally shoots themselves in the head to relieve tension just before the climactic attack.
8. Don't be the 'my survival above everybody else's survival' asshole who pushes people into the monster, acts like a total tool, and eventually winds up being left abandoned with a broken ankle in the middle of a vacant lot. At the same time, don't hesitate to shoot once someone has been infected with the alien parasites, flesh-eating bacteria, or zombie virus. Once Johnny has been bitten by the monster, Johnny is no longer your cuddly and beloved childhood friend. Best-case scenario, he's totally going to explode, showering you with acidic ooze. Worst-case scenario...actually, there are about nineteen worst-case scenarios. Johnny's better off dead, and you're better off making him that way.
7. No weapon is entirely dependable, and that's why I recommend carrying a variety of weapons, and teaming up with people who understand the uses of even more. Machetes and other bladed weapons never need to be reloaded, but are only useful against creatures with acidic blood for a limited amount of time. Guns can jam, and worse, run out of bullets. Bows and arrows require someone who knows how to use them, and a decent supply of ammunition. And so on. If at all possible, learn to use two or three different types of weapon, and plan to team up with people who know how to use even more.
6. As soon as you suspect that a horror movie is getting ready to start, prep a horror movie survival kit. Basic first aid supplies, bullets, bottled water, protein bars, extra socks, face mask (in case of aerosol toxins), smart phone or GPS device, salt (a surprisingly large number of alien races try to invade the planet despite being allergic to salt), holy water, graveyard dust, flashlight, extra batteries, biker gloves. Your weapons are not a part of this kit. Your weapons are a part of your body once the monsters come. Remember this if you want to live.
5. Monsters can be made by science, come from space, evolve naturally, or be created by magic. All of these will have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as having different tastes in food. (Science monsters usually eat damn near everything, as do natural monsters; space monsters seek out nubile young females, and magical monsters either eat people with magical potential, virgins, or both.) Figure out what kind of monster movie you're stuck in just as quickly as you can, as you'll be able to discard and acquire supplies more efficiently if you know what you're planning to use them against.
4. Once you have a solid, defensible, dug-in position that the monsters either can't or won't be able to get into, stay there. Seriously, people. The survival of the human race is a deeply important thing, and we all respect your desire to leave the bunker/mall/fortress in order to help, but unless you know it's your kid, cat, or darling, aged grandmother out there, stay where you are. Preserve humanity by preserving your own hide.
3. If you can be sure they haven't been infected by some sort of horrible alien carrier virus, your dog, cat, parrot, or other closely-bonded pet really is your best friend, because they're likely to react poorly to aliens, genetic monstrosities, and cyborgs from the future. If Rover goes crazy every time that guy you've never met before comes towards you, shoot him. The green jelly oozing from his forehead will totally vindicate you in the eyes of your fellow survivors.
2. Blood is not your friend. Many, many things can track by blood, and most of them are the sort of things that want to eat you for breakfast. If you cut yourself, stop the bleeding as quickly as possible, through whatever means are necessary. Do not shake your finger and lay down a convenient trail for something to follow. Do not spit mouthfuls of blood onto the sidewalk. I'm sorry your tongue is bleeding. Now swallow, and survive.
1. If you know there's something you shouldn't do, because doing it will attract the monster, don't do it. Not unless you're doing it as part of some incredibly clever and logical plan. Even then, you'd really better be Heather Langenkamp, because this trick really only ever worked for her. Failing that, you'd better be Milla Jovovich. She can live through anything.
***
10. Genetically enhanced snakes can get everywhere. Seriously, an underground bunker guaranteed to protect the resident scientists from nuclear winter and biological attack, not going to do a damn thing about the genetically enhanced snakes. As snakes can apparently be engineered to do everything from 'grow to the size of a subway train' to 'give you Ebola with a single bite,' this is bad. Wear sturdy shoes, do not walk in tall grass or let yourself be convinced to enter any body of water that isn't completely transparent. Avoid outhouses, bubble baths, camping, and the old coal mine that was abandoned due to thermal venting.
9. Most monsters can be, if not killed by firearms, at least slowed down or convinced to go and eat somebody else. Learn to fire a gun. I don't care if you're the most pro-gun control person on the planet, learn how a gun works, which end to point, which end to hold, and how to release the safety. This will help you when the monsters come. It'll also help you avoid becoming the funny, funny casualty who accidentally shoots themselves in the head to relieve tension just before the climactic attack.
8. Don't be the 'my survival above everybody else's survival' asshole who pushes people into the monster, acts like a total tool, and eventually winds up being left abandoned with a broken ankle in the middle of a vacant lot. At the same time, don't hesitate to shoot once someone has been infected with the alien parasites, flesh-eating bacteria, or zombie virus. Once Johnny has been bitten by the monster, Johnny is no longer your cuddly and beloved childhood friend. Best-case scenario, he's totally going to explode, showering you with acidic ooze. Worst-case scenario...actually, there are about nineteen worst-case scenarios. Johnny's better off dead, and you're better off making him that way.
7. No weapon is entirely dependable, and that's why I recommend carrying a variety of weapons, and teaming up with people who understand the uses of even more. Machetes and other bladed weapons never need to be reloaded, but are only useful against creatures with acidic blood for a limited amount of time. Guns can jam, and worse, run out of bullets. Bows and arrows require someone who knows how to use them, and a decent supply of ammunition. And so on. If at all possible, learn to use two or three different types of weapon, and plan to team up with people who know how to use even more.
6. As soon as you suspect that a horror movie is getting ready to start, prep a horror movie survival kit. Basic first aid supplies, bullets, bottled water, protein bars, extra socks, face mask (in case of aerosol toxins), smart phone or GPS device, salt (a surprisingly large number of alien races try to invade the planet despite being allergic to salt), holy water, graveyard dust, flashlight, extra batteries, biker gloves. Your weapons are not a part of this kit. Your weapons are a part of your body once the monsters come. Remember this if you want to live.
5. Monsters can be made by science, come from space, evolve naturally, or be created by magic. All of these will have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as having different tastes in food. (Science monsters usually eat damn near everything, as do natural monsters; space monsters seek out nubile young females, and magical monsters either eat people with magical potential, virgins, or both.) Figure out what kind of monster movie you're stuck in just as quickly as you can, as you'll be able to discard and acquire supplies more efficiently if you know what you're planning to use them against.
4. Once you have a solid, defensible, dug-in position that the monsters either can't or won't be able to get into, stay there. Seriously, people. The survival of the human race is a deeply important thing, and we all respect your desire to leave the bunker/mall/fortress in order to help, but unless you know it's your kid, cat, or darling, aged grandmother out there, stay where you are. Preserve humanity by preserving your own hide.
3. If you can be sure they haven't been infected by some sort of horrible alien carrier virus, your dog, cat, parrot, or other closely-bonded pet really is your best friend, because they're likely to react poorly to aliens, genetic monstrosities, and cyborgs from the future. If Rover goes crazy every time that guy you've never met before comes towards you, shoot him. The green jelly oozing from his forehead will totally vindicate you in the eyes of your fellow survivors.
2. Blood is not your friend. Many, many things can track by blood, and most of them are the sort of things that want to eat you for breakfast. If you cut yourself, stop the bleeding as quickly as possible, through whatever means are necessary. Do not shake your finger and lay down a convenient trail for something to follow. Do not spit mouthfuls of blood onto the sidewalk. I'm sorry your tongue is bleeding. Now swallow, and survive.
1. If you know there's something you shouldn't do, because doing it will attract the monster, don't do it. Not unless you're doing it as part of some incredibly clever and logical plan. Even then, you'd really better be Heather Langenkamp, because this trick really only ever worked for her. Failing that, you'd better be Milla Jovovich. She can live through anything.
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(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-09-16 04:02 pm (UTC)Awesome :D
(no subject)
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Date: 2008-09-16 05:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-09-16 05:59 pm (UTC)Hi
(no subject)
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Date: 2008-09-16 06:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-09-16 07:25 pm (UTC)You know, if people would just follow this one, we'd never have horror movies ever. :D:
(no subject)
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Date: 2008-09-16 08:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-09-16 09:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-09-16 09:32 pm (UTC)Favorite line: "I'm sorry your tongue is bleeding. Now swallow, and survive."
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
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From:no subject
Date: 2008-09-17 06:32 pm (UTC)Now if we could just get Hollywood to make smart horror movies . . . right. Change that to, "Now if we could just get Seanan the backing to produce a movie based on her horror movie concepts." That's much more likely.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-09-18 09:54 pm (UTC)In fact, I think I have one of these lists somewhere, but it talks about incest more.
Also, that thing about genetically inhanced snakes? It applies to normal ones too. Take it from someone who lives in Australia and has three pet pythons.
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