Ten handy tips for surviving horror movies.

I watch a great many horror movies -- enough that my DVD shelf looks somewhat like an extension of the mind of Wes Craven -- and this has left me with a firm list of do's and don'ts on the topic of 'getting out alive.' I will share some of these handy-dandy tips now.

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10. Genetically enhanced snakes can get everywhere. Seriously, an underground bunker guaranteed to protect the resident scientists from nuclear winter and biological attack, not going to do a damn thing about the genetically enhanced snakes. As snakes can apparently be engineered to do everything from 'grow to the size of a subway train' to 'give you Ebola with a single bite,' this is bad. Wear sturdy shoes, do not walk in tall grass or let yourself be convinced to enter any body of water that isn't completely transparent. Avoid outhouses, bubble baths, camping, and the old coal mine that was abandoned due to thermal venting.

( 9. Most monsters can be, if not killed by firearms, at least slowed down or convinced to go and eat somebody else... )

Ah, the dangers of talking plague with, well, me.

Questions I'm sure jennifer_brozek probably wasn't expecting to answer today:

"Is your drug resistant bubonic plague actually yersinia pestis, or a mimicking virological agent?"

Because that's a totally reasonable thing for me to ask, right? I mean, bubonic plague is wiping out Texas, I want to know what its rate of spread is, how it's transmitted, whether the speed of spread is retarded by some animal infector (as in the original bubonic plague, where your spread is limited to the presence, health, and density of rat fleas available to spread the bacteria). You may all applaud Jennifer, because she had a quick and reasonable response, and did not threaten to smack me with the nearest available cat if I didn't stop being a geek.

(Jennifer is editing an anthology called Grant's Pass, set roughly fourteen months after a series of biologically engineered pathogens wiped out the bulk of the human race. Clearly, Jennifer loves me. Amusingly, Jennifer didn't know me when she came up with the idea for the anthology. So clearly, great minds think alike. Sadly for Jennifer, this means I have a totally valid reason to ask her questions about terrible diseases. I do so love it when people volunteer to be my cat toys.)

I've actually finished two lovely books on historical diseases in the last week -- The Speckled Monster (all about smallpox) and The American Plague (all about the yellow fever). Here's a handy tip: pandemics are scary. Here's another handy tip: try not to get stuck in the middle of one. I learned many things that I didn't know before, like 'smallpox dictated English succession several times' and 'yellow fever wiped out much of Memphis.' Also, the CDC views a single case of yellow fever as an epidemic. Pretty spiffy!

As I am flying to Seattle on Friday, no more plague books for me right now; I really don't feel the need to attract the attention of Homeland Security or the TSA just because I couldn't do without my daily dose of death. Also, after the premiere episode of Fringe -- which I loved blazingly -- I'd probably get myself lynched by my fellow passengers.

Yay, plague!